Depths of Solitude....

In the Depths of solitude

As I sit here today, in the stillness of the afternoon, I listen. So many voices are saying similar things. I have to make a choice as to what to do. Why the depth of solitude? What is it about solitude that brings us face to face with the inner demons, that only seem to lurk and plague our minds, hearts and souls when we’re in the our solitude? In my solitude are the thoughts of life and reality, fantasy and dreams. Seems like I’m never afloat because I’m always in the depths of solitude….
For quite sometime I’ve been on the journey to love. Trying to find the right mate and hoping it would be my soul mate. I spent 10 years on this quest to be partnered and to be love, guy after guy, person after person, and attempt after attempt, but only left with a disappointment and a broken heart. I got so frustrated with the whole ordeal. I mean, we’re already faced with so much prejudice in this nation as being a black male, and then I have to turn around and be a black gay male, who is not HWP (height-weight portioned) Oh forget that I gets no love. (At least in most of the people whom I’ve come across) Those were my thoughts. There is a lot to look at and be conscious of when you’re dating or even being connected to someone in a romantic way. We, as human beings have issues and baggage that we deal with. We’re not all the same, and we process and go through differently. So there respectively we are all different. When I wasn’t as conscious as I am now, I would think in my head that I’m the good person, I’m this..This and that...And if this relationship didn’t last is because they were crazy.
I had to realize I have to stop pointing fingers at everyone else and look at myself. I had to dissect me and understand me before I could analyze anyone else or even understand anyone else. It starts with me. I’m not a perfect guy. I’m flawed just like the next person. Recognizing my flaws and owning up to them is the first step, next step is doing the work to fix them. It became much clearer in the last year how much I don’t love myself. I was putting more energy at making other people happy that I’ve neglected my own happiness. I’ve not down anything to make me feel good about Robert. In mind I was okay and accepted a lot of things just so I could be accepted by others.
What an observation to make. I need to love Robert more than anything else (besides God). How necessary it is to love yourself first. Many times I’ve heard that over and over and really thought I do love myself, but In reality I’m destroying me. There is a lot of love that God has placed in my heart, and I’m realizing there needs to be a redistribution of love and LOVE ME first! It might seem a bit selfish, but I can’t give love away like I’ve been doing when I’m depleted in love myself. I recently made a statement on Facebook about giving up on love and closing my heart. I’m getting frustrated because I’m looking for love in the wrong place and people. It starts with Robert. There is a song that’s been in my spirit for sometime...And the lyrics alone are soo meaningful to me… “Miracle” by Whitney Houston….

How could I throw away a miracle
How could I face another day
It's all of my doing
I made a choice
And today I pay
My heart is full of pain
How could you understand
The way I feel
How could you relate to so much pain
Seems as though nothing can comfort me
So today I pray
That someone should listen for

Chorus:
Nothing should matter
Not when love grows inside you
The choice is yours
There's a miracle in store
Nothing should matter
Not when love grows inside you
A voice of love is crying out
Don't throw love away
There's a miracle in store

How could I let go of a miracle
Nothing could ever take its place
Thought I was looking
Out for myself
Now it seems the pain
Is all that I have gained
I wonder if I could be your miracle
I wonder if I could spare you pain
Seems as though nothing will comfort me
Less today I pray
That you should come listen


Don't ever throw away your miracle
Don't let it slip away
Nothing should matter

Repeat Chorus

A miracle is in store for me. The love I have is my miracle, my special gift and I need to protect and cherish it because it’s that special part of me that I shouldn’t award to just ANYONE. I was “hating” on love and relationships and was about to push everyone away that approached me that way. I was through with it all. I was responding out of hurt, and pain and disappointment. Today I’m going to respond out of courage and faith. I’m not going to do this because of the failures thereof but of the beauty of knowing me, loving me and giving myself the best gift that no man can give and that’s unconditionally, unwavering LOVE! Today I choose to love Robert D. Jones and I won’t let anyone get in between this love affair.
My best friend I know the way, I know a way, but I’m not sure it’s the way. However, he did say whatever it takes for you to get yourself “ready” do it! I’m going to do it. Eliminating distractions, people, and erasing some phone numbers. I will do it. I might be alone for a while, but the only way I know best to get me ready is to be with myself and myself only! Sounds a bit selfish, but I don’t care, I need to get over this and let go and I need that time to myself and by myself to make me over. It’s in the depths of solitude is rock bottom, there is no other way, but up! Until next blog…be encourage and bless!