formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/gettoknome

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/gettoknome

One Day. One Life.

Today is great day to begin the journey of self realization. Begin each day with the expectation of greatness. We only have one life to live and we should take each day as its own.  Discovering the real you takes time and patience. Putting one foot in front of the other and realizing that you can make it through. I’m on this journey to seek the help and healing I need to be a better me! Letting go of the past, and creating healthy habits is how it begins. There is never a quick fix to a life long problem. Take the day and make the best of it. Put a smile on your face, speak to yourself and know that whatever happens it’s not more than you can bear. Your strength is found in your weakness! Enjoy your day!

Depths of Solitude....

In the Depths of solitude

As I sit here today, in the stillness of the afternoon, I listen. So many voices are saying similar things. I have to make a choice as to what to do. Why the depth of solitude? What is it about solitude that brings us face to face with the inner demons, that only seem to lurk and plague our minds, hearts and souls when we’re in the our solitude? In my solitude are the thoughts of life and reality, fantasy and dreams. Seems like I’m never afloat because I’m always in the depths of solitude….
For quite sometime I’ve been on the journey to love. Trying to find the right mate and hoping it would be my soul mate. I spent 10 years on this quest to be partnered and to be love, guy after guy, person after person, and attempt after attempt, but only left with a disappointment and a broken heart. I got so frustrated with the whole ordeal. I mean, we’re already faced with so much prejudice in this nation as being a black male, and then I have to turn around and be a black gay male, who is not HWP (height-weight portioned) Oh forget that I gets no love. (At least in most of the people whom I’ve come across) Those were my thoughts. There is a lot to look at and be conscious of when you’re dating or even being connected to someone in a romantic way. We, as human beings have issues and baggage that we deal with. We’re not all the same, and we process and go through differently. So there respectively we are all different. When I wasn’t as conscious as I am now, I would think in my head that I’m the good person, I’m this..This and that...And if this relationship didn’t last is because they were crazy.
I had to realize I have to stop pointing fingers at everyone else and look at myself. I had to dissect me and understand me before I could analyze anyone else or even understand anyone else. It starts with me. I’m not a perfect guy. I’m flawed just like the next person. Recognizing my flaws and owning up to them is the first step, next step is doing the work to fix them. It became much clearer in the last year how much I don’t love myself. I was putting more energy at making other people happy that I’ve neglected my own happiness. I’ve not down anything to make me feel good about Robert. In mind I was okay and accepted a lot of things just so I could be accepted by others.
What an observation to make. I need to love Robert more than anything else (besides God). How necessary it is to love yourself first. Many times I’ve heard that over and over and really thought I do love myself, but In reality I’m destroying me. There is a lot of love that God has placed in my heart, and I’m realizing there needs to be a redistribution of love and LOVE ME first! It might seem a bit selfish, but I can’t give love away like I’ve been doing when I’m depleted in love myself. I recently made a statement on Facebook about giving up on love and closing my heart. I’m getting frustrated because I’m looking for love in the wrong place and people. It starts with Robert. There is a song that’s been in my spirit for sometime...And the lyrics alone are soo meaningful to me… “Miracle” by Whitney Houston….

How could I throw away a miracle
How could I face another day
It's all of my doing
I made a choice
And today I pay
My heart is full of pain
How could you understand
The way I feel
How could you relate to so much pain
Seems as though nothing can comfort me
So today I pray
That someone should listen for

Chorus:
Nothing should matter
Not when love grows inside you
The choice is yours
There's a miracle in store
Nothing should matter
Not when love grows inside you
A voice of love is crying out
Don't throw love away
There's a miracle in store

How could I let go of a miracle
Nothing could ever take its place
Thought I was looking
Out for myself
Now it seems the pain
Is all that I have gained
I wonder if I could be your miracle
I wonder if I could spare you pain
Seems as though nothing will comfort me
Less today I pray
That you should come listen


Don't ever throw away your miracle
Don't let it slip away
Nothing should matter

Repeat Chorus

A miracle is in store for me. The love I have is my miracle, my special gift and I need to protect and cherish it because it’s that special part of me that I shouldn’t award to just ANYONE. I was “hating” on love and relationships and was about to push everyone away that approached me that way. I was through with it all. I was responding out of hurt, and pain and disappointment. Today I’m going to respond out of courage and faith. I’m not going to do this because of the failures thereof but of the beauty of knowing me, loving me and giving myself the best gift that no man can give and that’s unconditionally, unwavering LOVE! Today I choose to love Robert D. Jones and I won’t let anyone get in between this love affair.
My best friend I know the way, I know a way, but I’m not sure it’s the way. However, he did say whatever it takes for you to get yourself “ready” do it! I’m going to do it. Eliminating distractions, people, and erasing some phone numbers. I will do it. I might be alone for a while, but the only way I know best to get me ready is to be with myself and myself only! Sounds a bit selfish, but I don’t care, I need to get over this and let go and I need that time to myself and by myself to make me over. It’s in the depths of solitude is rock bottom, there is no other way, but up! Until next blog…be encourage and bless!

Work-in-Progress 6-22-2010

This blog is inspired by this song by Monica “Mirror”

I’m looking in the mirror, and I see an image, and many layers. Who is this man? It’s the many things I ask myself self on a daily basis. Who am I? Where am I going? Is the person that stands before is of any substance? I look into the mirror and look at everything very closely. I look inwardly and then outwardly. Inside I see a man that needs a change, needs some help. I see imperfection and a work-in-progress.

Lately I’ve begin to notice myself in a different way. I think on the journey in life we see different aspects of ourselves. No matter how we think we’ve “cleaned” up so-to-speak ourselves always seem to find its way to the surface in a different form showing us where we need improvement or change. God does this wonderfully as, a friend of mine said, by peeling us like a banana is peeled away to get to the eatable part, I’m being peeled away to my treasure, to that which God is calling me to. There is clearly more than what meets the eye. So this layer, if you will, is being showed to me; something there that I’m discovering that I didn’t have an understanding of. The feeling of being left alone… the feeling of being ignored…

Who wants to be ignored or left hanging? It’s the most aggravating feeling in the world. It’s the thorn in my side. It’s what I carry and try to avoid daily, it’s my struggle, my baggage, my “stuff”. So growing up and even now I’m reminded of the feelings when a situation occurs of how it felt/feels to be ignored. I used to think it was cool to be alone and solitude, but I’m seeing that was me accepting it and just going with the flow, because it’s all I knew. I even would tell folks I don’t mind being alone (maybe I spoke it upon myself). Deep inside, I don’t like being alone or ignored. Deep inside I crave for attention or just to be noticed. In some cases I even do thing just because I know it will get attention from others. Many times I’ve put myself in compromising positions just to have the attention I wanted. Even have spent money in ways I didn’t need to. (Sigh)

It’s by the grace of God that I’m even alive, of all the danger that I’ve subjected myself to just because I wanted attention. I’ve used sex, I’ve used money, even disappearing wondering if someone cared or even noticed me. Looking back, I’ve done this in my childhood. Growing up, always knew of other folks, but never felt apart. I stood alone, felt apart. I think Tamia put it best when she wrote this called “SMILE”. She wrote it about love, but in a lot of ways because of this thorn in my side I have complications with love, dating etc... However, days on end I did some of the very things she mentioned in the lyrics here…

Sometimes I sit at home and wonder how it be if he had loved me truly loved me
Yes, I learned a while ago that kind of thing it never happens for me,
And so I go around and just pretend love is not for me
I play the circus clown around my friends make them laugh and they wont see that
U never let them see u sweat don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord know its killing me

[Chorus:]
So I put on my make up put a smile on my face
And if anyone ask me everything is ok I'm laughing cuz no one knows the joke is on me
Cuz I'm dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face...on my face

Singing, la la la, la la, lalala, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la la
Laaaa

Sometimes I sit at home by the phone
Hoping he might call me but he don’t call me
But then I realize dreams come true aren’t for guys like me not like me,
And so I go around with my head up like it aint no thing
And when the boys around with all my friends I'm into other things cuz
U never let them see u sweat don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows its killing me

I never want to past guilt or place blame, but it is what it is. I love you mom and dad, know this is my reality. Sure you can say you “I wish I paid more attention, or even have been there” I’m not blaming you. Growing up there was just me and God and you probably thought the church was enough to grow me up. Yes in a lot of ways it did, and I’m appreciative. It was the very thing I had to hold on that loved me back or that didn’t ignore me, it was there to keep me from losing my mind. My routine was school, home, and church and not necessarily in that order. I had some friends, but always felt different; I would seek those who were not in the in-crowd so-to-speak cause I never felt like I could hang with someone who was popular or well-known. I stayed in the background many times because I was afraid to say something stupid or wrong and get laughed at. I was teased almost everyday because of my large chest, called “breast” or Tities” When people where concerned about people grabbing asses, I had to fight and endure the crowd of guys laughing at me and grabbing my chest and said I had breast! I had surgery on my chest to reduce the size, because I got tired of being teased; 3500 dollars for plastic surgery.

This is my reality, my pain and my stuff. So please excuse me if I’m a little sensitive or emotional. Excuse me if quiet or don’t say much or even cringe when in social settings, it’s not about anyone else, it’s just me and my stuff and I recognize it and is always a work-in-progress. I want to be loved just like everyone else, I’m not supermodel or superhuman, and I’m just Mwhatse. I remember in the movie “Precious” when she always daydreamed of this fabulous life, I do that all the time. I see visions of myself in different scenarios. Dreaming about how it could be or would be. Sometimes it’s just a fantasy, who knows…but this I know is I hurt, I feel and I cry…I’m human and I can’t bare all this alone. Please don’t ignore me or even just act as if I don’t exist. I’m here, alive and well and want to take my place in this world.

My prayer

Lord, please reach down into my inner-most being and touch every broken place. Mend my broken spirit, and soul. Send me healing and understanding. Give me the strength and send the tools I need to grow and move on. I cast my cares and concerns upon you. Give me joy instead of tears. Strengthen me wherever I am weak; hold me where I can’t hold myself up. Carry me where I can’t walk. Father I need you to move in my life so I can be a blessing to your people. I thank you for every experience. God hear my cry and heal my heart so I may love completely and true, just like you love us, unconditionally…

06 Mirror.mp3

Back at one....

Wow, I'm back with my blogging again! I love it! Warning this is a space freedom. Freedom to be me and say how I feel. This is Mwhatse's space. Enjoy and partake of my words. Be positive, be kind and respectful and all will be well. This is the chronicles of my life, my story, my journey. Thank you and talk to you soon!