Work-in-Progress 6-22-2010

This blog is inspired by this song by Monica “Mirror”

I’m looking in the mirror, and I see an image, and many layers. Who is this man? It’s the many things I ask myself self on a daily basis. Who am I? Where am I going? Is the person that stands before is of any substance? I look into the mirror and look at everything very closely. I look inwardly and then outwardly. Inside I see a man that needs a change, needs some help. I see imperfection and a work-in-progress.

Lately I’ve begin to notice myself in a different way. I think on the journey in life we see different aspects of ourselves. No matter how we think we’ve “cleaned” up so-to-speak ourselves always seem to find its way to the surface in a different form showing us where we need improvement or change. God does this wonderfully as, a friend of mine said, by peeling us like a banana is peeled away to get to the eatable part, I’m being peeled away to my treasure, to that which God is calling me to. There is clearly more than what meets the eye. So this layer, if you will, is being showed to me; something there that I’m discovering that I didn’t have an understanding of. The feeling of being left alone… the feeling of being ignored…

Who wants to be ignored or left hanging? It’s the most aggravating feeling in the world. It’s the thorn in my side. It’s what I carry and try to avoid daily, it’s my struggle, my baggage, my “stuff”. So growing up and even now I’m reminded of the feelings when a situation occurs of how it felt/feels to be ignored. I used to think it was cool to be alone and solitude, but I’m seeing that was me accepting it and just going with the flow, because it’s all I knew. I even would tell folks I don’t mind being alone (maybe I spoke it upon myself). Deep inside, I don’t like being alone or ignored. Deep inside I crave for attention or just to be noticed. In some cases I even do thing just because I know it will get attention from others. Many times I’ve put myself in compromising positions just to have the attention I wanted. Even have spent money in ways I didn’t need to. (Sigh)

It’s by the grace of God that I’m even alive, of all the danger that I’ve subjected myself to just because I wanted attention. I’ve used sex, I’ve used money, even disappearing wondering if someone cared or even noticed me. Looking back, I’ve done this in my childhood. Growing up, always knew of other folks, but never felt apart. I stood alone, felt apart. I think Tamia put it best when she wrote this called “SMILE”. She wrote it about love, but in a lot of ways because of this thorn in my side I have complications with love, dating etc... However, days on end I did some of the very things she mentioned in the lyrics here…

Sometimes I sit at home and wonder how it be if he had loved me truly loved me
Yes, I learned a while ago that kind of thing it never happens for me,
And so I go around and just pretend love is not for me
I play the circus clown around my friends make them laugh and they wont see that
U never let them see u sweat don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord know its killing me

[Chorus:]
So I put on my make up put a smile on my face
And if anyone ask me everything is ok I'm laughing cuz no one knows the joke is on me
Cuz I'm dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face...on my face

Singing, la la la, la la, lalala, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la la
Laaaa

Sometimes I sit at home by the phone
Hoping he might call me but he don’t call me
But then I realize dreams come true aren’t for guys like me not like me,
And so I go around with my head up like it aint no thing
And when the boys around with all my friends I'm into other things cuz
U never let them see u sweat don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows its killing me

I never want to past guilt or place blame, but it is what it is. I love you mom and dad, know this is my reality. Sure you can say you “I wish I paid more attention, or even have been there” I’m not blaming you. Growing up there was just me and God and you probably thought the church was enough to grow me up. Yes in a lot of ways it did, and I’m appreciative. It was the very thing I had to hold on that loved me back or that didn’t ignore me, it was there to keep me from losing my mind. My routine was school, home, and church and not necessarily in that order. I had some friends, but always felt different; I would seek those who were not in the in-crowd so-to-speak cause I never felt like I could hang with someone who was popular or well-known. I stayed in the background many times because I was afraid to say something stupid or wrong and get laughed at. I was teased almost everyday because of my large chest, called “breast” or Tities” When people where concerned about people grabbing asses, I had to fight and endure the crowd of guys laughing at me and grabbing my chest and said I had breast! I had surgery on my chest to reduce the size, because I got tired of being teased; 3500 dollars for plastic surgery.

This is my reality, my pain and my stuff. So please excuse me if I’m a little sensitive or emotional. Excuse me if quiet or don’t say much or even cringe when in social settings, it’s not about anyone else, it’s just me and my stuff and I recognize it and is always a work-in-progress. I want to be loved just like everyone else, I’m not supermodel or superhuman, and I’m just Mwhatse. I remember in the movie “Precious” when she always daydreamed of this fabulous life, I do that all the time. I see visions of myself in different scenarios. Dreaming about how it could be or would be. Sometimes it’s just a fantasy, who knows…but this I know is I hurt, I feel and I cry…I’m human and I can’t bare all this alone. Please don’t ignore me or even just act as if I don’t exist. I’m here, alive and well and want to take my place in this world.

My prayer

Lord, please reach down into my inner-most being and touch every broken place. Mend my broken spirit, and soul. Send me healing and understanding. Give me the strength and send the tools I need to grow and move on. I cast my cares and concerns upon you. Give me joy instead of tears. Strengthen me wherever I am weak; hold me where I can’t hold myself up. Carry me where I can’t walk. Father I need you to move in my life so I can be a blessing to your people. I thank you for every experience. God hear my cry and heal my heart so I may love completely and true, just like you love us, unconditionally…

06 Mirror.mp3